Friday, September 9, 2016

Evil in the Attic


Some constructs are universally creepy, others innocuous. A couch is never unsettling. Though you may toss and turn on a lumpy one crashing at an after party, no one's losing any sleep over campfire tales of a possessed sofa. But a creaky rocking chair? An antique doll? An old full-length mirror stored in a basement corner? The doll in the rocker facing the mirror? No way I'm hanging out in that room.

Diabolical typecasting in horror movies surely influences such reactions. A shower was just a place to scrub your armpits before Alfred Hitchcock killed a chick in there. These films also reflect our preexisting associations. There's a reason why the victim in The Exorcist is a little girl versus a middle-aged cabby, why the invincible demon car in Stephen King's Christine isn't a Volkswagen Rabbit, and why The Amityville Horror would be far less scary as a haunted yurt.

Some boogeymen lose their edge through overexposure. Zombies are just fun at this point, appearing in videogames, comedy, even romantic roles. We've seen so many five-year-old pirates on Halloween that, by the time we fully processed the threat of a real one, we'd already be kidnapped, duct taped, and halfway to hades in a human-trafficking barrel.

What will be the next iconic scare? Maybe something happens to make electric hand dryers chilling (but probably not). Perhaps it'll be stink bugs, abandoned malls, or hoarders. A condemned mall, infested with stink bugs and overrun by the feral colony of the world's craziest cat lady!

In any case, the perceived threat will be a harmless illusion compared to the pitfalls of everyday living. Blood pressure spikes at the thought of a rabid clown or terrorist sleeper cell, but a person is more likely to get junk-food diabetes, become an overprescribed opioid addict, or die of a meaningless, grinding job than to be alien abducted.

No emotion so misplaced as fear.

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