Saturday, December 21, 2013

Beenos


You have been warned.

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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Jolly Hot Peanuts


Advertising employs numerous devices to cast its spell. They'll contrive a problem then sell you the solution, maybe impose an artificial time limit on availability, or the product might sing and dance!

The most ridiculous and entertaining commercial trope is when the manufacturer associates impossibly hyperbolic, even metaphysical, qualities with the most mundane ingredients. In my childhood, the notion that ingesting oat flour with marshmallows brought me closer to Ireland and led to rainbows of good fortune made Lucky Charms magically delicious indeed.

The further you look back, the more grandiose the marketers' claims, the more irrational their promises, as protections like the Consumer Bill of Rights were not yet enacted to safeguard against cigarettes that cure throat polyps and lotions that send you to Heaven.

"When life's cold and blue, there's just one thing to do: Eat Jolly Hot Peanuts 'til there's none left to chew!"

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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Mutoided Licky Slop Hoses


Bone. Marrow. Cartilage.  Tendons.  Teeth.  Nails.  Hair.  Pubic hair.  Flesh.  Scalps.  Gums.  Lining.  Folds.  Pits.  Pores.  Sphincters.  Nostrils.  Throats. Tongues. Teats. Sinuses. Tubes.  Canals.  Veins.  Ducts.  Bowels.  Bladders.  Stomachs.  Eyeballs.  Glands.  Plasma.  Pus.  Wax.  Sweat.  Drool.  Snot.  Bile.  Cum.  Piss.  Gas.  Funk.  Dung.  Dander.  Boogers.  Eye boogers.  Scabs.  Acne. Blisters. Ulcers. Cavities. Calluses. Moles. Warts. Cysts. Tumors. Fungi. Bacteria. Cooties. Absorbed twins...

For being so beautiful, life is made up of some pretty gross shit.

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